On Men on Dating Apps

To be honest, it's only been four weeks since my partner of eleven years broke up with me via text message. Serves me right, I suppose, for having given him my number in the first place. Still, it came as a shock, so much so that I decided the only way to ensure he never return, was to go out with another man immediately. And so I faced my dating app fears and started researching my options. 

I considered Jdate but Romeo left me just as my credit cards were all being shredded, so I realised I wasn't going to pay for love, even if I wanted to, it had to be a free service. I'm not a Tinder girl - I'm not looking for sex or for multiple partners or for married men - even if their wives agree. I'm an old fashioned type, a one man at a time girl, and at fifty-five, I'm mostly interested in good company and someone to share my life with. And so I settled for a mid range and seemingly reasonable OkCupid. 

Maybe it's the sudden decline in hormones or maybe it's the drastic diminishing of eyesight, but girls, I've got to tell you, Israeli men at fifty plus are not a pretty picture - but like my aunt always reminds me, "you aint no oil painting yourself". Recently an Israeli celebrity stated publically that he was not attracted to the bodies of women over fifty, and I understand why. Of course, women over fifty dont really give a pigs ass what men over the age of fity (or any age for that matter) are or are not attracted to, and maybe that's a problem, but women over fifty care enough about ourselves to promote what's good, tuck away whats gross and not photograph our wobbly underarms and post them as out leading profile pics. Israeli men...not so. 

Describing the selfies these men post does them no justice. I Whatsapp my sister in Australia. It's early morning for her but I see she is online. I am finished, we laugh hystrically for fifteen minutes, and in the end we agree, Shmulik is the one. The eyes go this way, the iPhone goes that way, the mirror doesn't help. And then there's Eli, standing in front of his truck. God knows I like a working man in a truck, so I zoom in to see more. Are those spanners he is tempting me with? The Israeli working man's mating call. Look girls, I have giant-sized truck tire spanners. She likes Shlomo with his squint blue eyes and mop of dyed black curly hair, but the cowboy boots will have to go. But my favorite is Itzik, monogamous, single, no head. Just a body, and a hairy hand wrapped around the phone all reflected back in the mirror along with his wedding ring. Did he not bother to check the picture before he posted it? What am I missing?

My more experienced girlfriends tell me if there's no face and/or animals and scenery, it means they are married. But that doesn't explain Guys twenty five pound Cheshire cat sitting on his face, or maybe it does. 

My single girlfriend told me she was invited on a date to the supermarket bakery. Now I know you're all thinking food-market coffee shop, department store deli, even the shuk could be a fun place to meet, but folks, this is Israel. We're talking Rami-Levi. Maybe his sister manages the customer service desk. Maybe they will boil up some water. Bring your own paper cup and I'll pick up the wafers. She tells me the cafeteria at the divorce court is open, and I suggest she take him there instead. (We can only assume it's a covid suggestion since coffee shops are all still closed). 

This morning I wake feeling heavy. I miss feeling disappointed on a Friday morning because he wants to go to the bank and the garage and spend the morning on his own doing sidurim (making order), while all I long for is a walk and a coffee on the beach with my love. I shake myself back to reality. The cats are chasing each other up and down the house, skidding along the rugs. I'll just check my dating App quickly before I get up to face the day. 

Doron, fifty something. 

I text my girlfriend. Hows the cafeteria at Ichilov these days? 

Most names have been changed to protect the innocent.